I had finished my presentation to a buoyant, ebullient
audience. Three hundred pairs of eyes bore into my frail medium-sized frame.
A drip of perspiration ran from high on my forehead into
the crevice created for my eyes, and under my thin-rimmed designer spectacles.
That well-used swan analogy – serene on the surface but paddling like mad
beneath it – floated in and out of my mind. This increased as the audience erupted
into riotous applause.
I stepped two paces back from the lectern and smiled at the
applauding audience.
‘Thank you, thank you!’ I called out over the noise.
Even though the mic pinned to my lapel was switched on, I
doubt if anyone heard me. They were enjoying this. Admittedly, so was I.
A rush of adrenalin overcame my nerves as I lapped up the
praise. Was I really that good? Damn, I must have been. That’s what I kept
telling myself until I could get down off the stage, which I desperately wanted
to do.
I beckoned to the chairperson to step forward to introduce
the next speaker, one of the three senior executives seated behind me on stage.
I was glad I didn’t have to follow me.
Audiences of marketeers were either boisterous (but still
listening) or as quiet as a mouse whispering in a library (fast asleep and
paying no attention whatsoever).
Relief flooded my whole body as I finally negotiated the
five steps down off the stage. I’d felt a little like a pop star up there. Each
step was taken with extra care, as the cameramen videoed my every movement.
This would be played back in each of the twenty offices around the world at a
later date.
I reached the floor without a hitch, and strode confidently
down the left-hand side of the enormous Lincoln Suite that was only a quarter
filled with Eiron (pronounced ‘eye-ron’) Plc sales executives. The host made
some witty remark about the applause I had just received, but I wasn’t
listening. I didn’t care either way.
Intricately decorated chandeliers hung ostensibly from the
high ceilings of this vast auditorium. Thick, plush carpet covered most of the
floor. The rest was wood panelled. The air conditioning droned in an attempt to
keep everyone cool and awake. It was no different to any other hotel business
function room that I had been to.
The host, however, was an absolute arsehole. It’s not like
me to bitch, but he was. A one hundred percent tosser. I didn’t know someone
could be as he was. Unfortunately, he was the UK Managing and Sales Director,
so we had to answer to him. Not everyone did, but that’s another story.
He stood proud and haughty as he looked out across the
audience, and soaked up the remainder of my adulation. His curtain hairstyle
(like something from the eighties) swayed forward and back as he nodded to
accept the applause. Walter Baker – six feet five, with a stern straight face
and piercing ice-blue eyes – smiled smugly, as was his trademark.
I fixed my eyes on a few guys from my team. There were all
sitting towards the back of the hall. My immediate manager, Errol Hughes, was a
clever, shrewd black guy, with a style that reminded me of Huggy Bear, a
character in an eighties cop show. The only differences between them were the
hair – Errol had hardly any – and of course the clothes.
He was getting out
of his seat, signalling to me with his right hand. I thought he was going to
congratulate me. I certainly hoped so. As he struggled to get by the legs of
the other execs, I saluted Tom and Shaun, who smiled back and bowed their
heads, mouthing, ‘We are not worthy’. I got the joke.
Errol finally stepped over his underlings and reached out
his right hand. I stood beaming from ear to ear, and grasped his hand firmly.
‘So you did it, you old bastard. Well done, my man. How’s
your underwear?’ Errol asked me confidently, with an assured toothy grin.
We spoke quietly, and continued walking towards the exit.
The knob-head on the stage built up the next speaker.
By now, Errol had his left arm around my shoulder. He knew
I was nervous; that’s why he’d asked me about my underwear.
‘You know me too well. Where’d you think I’m heading now?
The loo! I’m gonna have to go. You know the score.’
‘Hey, you can talk to me!’ Errol laughed quietly as we
pushed open the heavy oak double doors that led to the corridor.
‘Don’t worry, Justin. I’ll be right by your side.’
I gave Errol a strange look, which he ignored. He continued
to smile.
I had known Errol a long time but he had never wanted to go
to the toilet with me before. I was obviously being paranoid.
When we reached the toilets, Errol told me why he wanted to
come in too. I was glad he did.
Inside, there were four urinals. One exec I’d seen around
from our London office stood at an angle, with his tiny bit firing out his
liquid substance. Errol and I gave him a quick once over. He finished and moved
towards the basins to wash his hands. When he’d gone, Errol began telling me
what had grabbed his interest.
We stood with one urinal in between us. It was a man thing.
It’s so awkward when a third man enters and has to decide which urinal to use.
You keep looking straight ahead, never turning left or right. Every man should
be allowed his privacy.
Errol began.
‘Yeah, Just, I overhead the big man on stage tell the
European MD to look out for you.’ Nearly everyone shortened my name to Just –
when I allowed them to.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked, as I my urine was making its
way out of my cylindrical orifice.
‘Don’t worry! It’s all good. Good for you, I mean.’ I broke
the rule and glanced to my right, but kept my head erect and maintained level
eye contact with Errol. I had a ‘tell me some more’ look on my face.
‘Walter actually singled you out, you know, for greatness
and shit.’ Errol chuckled in a deep throaty way as he said the words. I
couldn’t believe it either.
‘So I could be moving up in the world,’ I said as I turned
back to face the sterile white-tiled wall.
‘Uh huh.’ Errol finished and zipped himself up.
‘You know, I was never quite sure whether Walter liked me.
He’s one of those people you can’t really judge. He doesn’t give much away.’ I
tried to explain something, but the words that came out sounded as though they
were coming from someone else.
I finished, and nervously looked down at my light-grey
trousers, hoping there were no splash marks. This time I was lucky.
I was washing my hands when in walked Len Ferris. Forty-something,
and a jackass in my book. He lived in the past, and thought he’d done it all,
always saying too much and at the wrong time. This opportunity was no
different.
Len stood at the second urinal. Errol and I had nearly
finished drying our hands when he spoke.
‘Alright lads. Great conference again, eh? Usual bullshit
speeches and pats on our back, while that slimy Walter bastard does fuck all
and gets nearly half a mil a year.’
I had to step in, even though Errol took hold of my arm to
stop me.
‘Look, Len, these conferences are a third business, a third
geeing up the troops and a third piss-up. It’s never been any different. You of
all people should know that.’ I told him straight. No messin’ around. I think
Errol was mildly impressed.
But Len wasn’t.
‘What the hell do you know? You’re a young whippersnapper,
still wet behind the ears no doubt.’ I raised my eyebrows and noticed that
Errol was about to make a move. This time I stopped him. I let
Len continue.
‘This company has its arse in its hand. Doesn’t have a
fucking clue what it’s doing. I’m telling you now, I’ll be the first to speak
up when it comes to issues and Q & A.’
We both nodded. Len let out a string of consecutive farts,
saying that’s what he thought of Walter Baker!
I had to warn Len about something before he went shouting
his mouth off, potentially making every salesperson’s life a misery. And making
his wife’s life a misery; she was in the audience.
‘Len,’ I said in a calm voice (the kind that psychiatrists
use). ‘Look before you dish any shit, and make sure no one else does the same
to you.’
Len looked at me as innocently as a newborn baby.
‘What? me? Dirty?! I’m the cleanest motherf—’
I didn’t let him finish.
By now, Errol and I were leaning against the basins. My
arms were folded. Errol had his hands in his trouser pockets, and was shaking
his head at Len.
‘What about Barbara in sales admin? The sales conference in
Paris. It was the only time they were allowed to come along because we’d had a
fantastic year. My first, as I recall.’ I paused. Len interjected.
‘So? And?’
‘So you shagged her silly. Her words, not mine. Said you
were like a tiger starved of food for weeks. You couldn’t get enough. You cut
her on her left breast, you were biting that hard. Should I gone on?’
Len was actually quiet for a whole minute. Errol looked at
me. I returned his gaze. Len looked at the floor, rubbing his chin with his
free right hand.
‘How in the name of god do you know about it?’
‘Whoa! So you admit it happened? No denial? That will help
you with Sarah. She’ll probably forgive you for shagging her best friend.’
I had a smile on my face but I didn’t know why. Errol said
we’d better get back or people would talk about us being in the gents for so
long together. I think it was more to do with getting out of the room Len was
in. As we headed for the door, I turned to Len.
‘Remember, Len, no company is perfect. Neither are any of
us. Think about who else might know what I’ve just told you. They may try and
use it against you. You can trust me that I won’t. Let’s hope no one heard us.’
‘Look, son, thanks. It was one of those irresistible urges
that we men get. You know the score. She virtually laid it on a plate and, boy
oh boy, I lapped it up. It was the best screw I’ve ever had. I can’t complain.’
Len had this ability to be supremely crass or crude at any
opportunity. He did it effortlessly. Almost as though it were a gift. It seemed
to be his way, his version of the spoken word.
Errol was now outside the gents.
I’d had enough of listening to Len trying to justify his
one moment of passion. I knew that he was lying. He’d been having an affair
with Barbara before I started at Eiron. His poor wife did not have a clue.
‘Let’s hope Sarah doesn’t hear you say that.’
Len laughed as I let the door close behind me.
As Errol and I headed back towards the hall, a strange
eerie feeling came over me. We couldn’t hear anyone speaking in the hall. It
was far too quiet as we approached. There were four huge sets of double doors. We
were heading to the fourth, intending to enter at the back, where we’d exited.
Standing outside the second huge set of doors was Len’s
wife, Sarah. She looked as if she could kill someone with her bare hands.
She was to all intents and purposes a calm woman. But I
heard that if she was provoked, she could be a nightmare, worse that anyone
could dream up. Right then and there, I was glad that I was not in Len’s size
six shoes.
Yet I wondered why she was upset. There was no way she
could have heard us. Then I saw the way Errol was looking at my jacket and shaking
his head.
I watched Errol’s lips move. They mouthed, ‘Oh shit!’ I
raised my arms as if to say, ‘What’s up?’
There on my left lapel was the mic. It was still switched
on. We both knew that they – the whole sales force for Europe, the Middle East
and Africa (aka EMEA) – were waiting for us to enter. I had no idea what kind
of reaction we would get.
Thankfully, Errol was brave. He volunteered to go in first.
Using hand gestures, he told me to turn off the mic. He
then mouthed ‘One … two … three’ and pushed open the door. I followed him about
five seconds later. The reaction was something I’ll never forget.
